“Nirvana Reunites With Christopher Cross as Front Man”

Seattle - The suicide of Kurt Cobain in the spring of 1994 signified not only the end of the world’s biggest rock band, but also put the exclamation point on one of the most tumultuous movements in pop music history. Nine years after Cobain’s death, a new era is being ushered in with today’s landmark announcement that Nirvana is reuniting, with Adult Contemporary bad boy Christopher Cross as the man to replace Cobain.

“Rock and roll is back,” claimed KISW disc jockey Dan Wilke, just before he read the news over the airwaves. Rock stations from Seattle to London have been flooded with phone calls since this morning’s announcement, mostly from ecstatic fans trying to ascertain tour information.

Cross will join bassist Chris Novoselic, formerly of Hole, and drummer Dave Grohl, who returns to the cage after having fronted Foo Fighters since 1995. Asked if he would have trouble readjusting to a supporting role, Grohl responded deferentially. “I consider myself lucky to be on the same stage as Christopher Cross.”

“One hates to use the term ‘Supergroup,’” contemplated Universal Records A&R Executive Marc Nathan, whose label will represent the trio. “But sometimes it’s unavoidable.” Most industry experts agree that the latest installment of Nirvana will be a smash, given the combination of an explosive rhythm section and the sweet, prepubescent resonance of Cross.

Cross, who is said to be trimming down to his touring weight of 320, was a rock and roll tour-de-force in the early eighties with hits like “Arthur’s Theme,” “Ride Like the Wind,” and “Sailing.” Known widely for his roughneck, decadent lifestyle, Cross was notorious for his Jack Daniels-induced sex binges, as well as his propensity to wield a pipe wrench at the hordes of middle-aged, undersexed, female fans who mobbed him on stage while he performed.

Cross originally signed on for this summer’s Ozzfest, a concert tour featuring Heavy Metal acts like Black Sabbath and Pantera, but backed out after an altercation with police in St. Louis left twenty-six stitches in his forehead. Cross has had a history of legal difficulties, dating back to a 1987 arrest when FBI agents discovered six pounds of crack cocaine in his rectum.