“Sam Perkins Shocker: ‘I Smoked Pot.’”

Indianapolis – The sports world stands in collective shock tonight, just hours after former NBA center Sam Perkins announced the release of his autobiography, in which he admits that he “experimented” with marijuana on no less than three occasions.

“I regret every encounter I’ve had with the Good Ganje,” laments Perkins in the book. “Sweet Mary has taken me down a very dark path.” Perkins then recalls an evening in Seattle when he “smoked a bone” with a girlfriend, en route to an oral sex “marathon” that left the 17-year NBA veteran “with an insurmountable amount of shame.”

News of the announcement has reverberated throughout the NBA. “It’s very disappointing,” said a crestfallen Allen Iverson. “It puts a real damper on a new season.” Iverson denied ever even seeing “The Sweet Leaf,” as did Portland Trail Blazer Rasheed Wallace, who related a near encounter with the drug. “I smelled the unmistakable aroma of budah at a concert once.” Wallace closed his eyes as he pondered the moment. “But I left immediately.”

NBA Deputy Commissioner Russ Granik announced that the league was considering plans to reprimand Perkins. “Quite frankly, we’ve never really contemplated this happening. We don’t even know how to handle something like this.” Granik went on to cite the only precedent the league could even consider: a 1977 scandal in which Trial Blazer star Bill Walton fell victim to a contact buzz while attending a Grateful Dead show in Berkeley. Walton was suspended for six weeks.

Marijuana, derived from the Cannabis Sativa plant, has been illegal in the United States since 1937. Today, it is rarely consumed by anyone other than abject social deviants. Asked if he would ever consider using the illicit substance again in the future, Perkins responded with an ambiguous, “Why? Do you have some?” Perkins’ autobiography, entitled “Smooooothe,” goes on sale tomorrow at Walmart Stores around the country.