“Bush Acclimates to Europe: Hasn’t Bathed in Weeks”

Marseilles, France – President George Bush is acclimating comfortably to European culture in his first trip across the Atlantic since becoming Commander-in-Chief. In addition to limiting his bathing habits to once or twice a month, Bush is said to have taken up smoking, is drinking voluminous amounts of wine, and complaining about American culture.

The White House, for its part, seemed unalarmed by Bush’s actions, despite his sudden and spontaneous sabbatical to France, right in the middle of a key European tour that was to take him through Madrid, Brussels, and Slovenia, among others. “Mr. Bush has decided to meet with French President Jacques Chirac,” White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said of Bush’s unexpected visit to Marseilles. “He figured he may as well get Chirac’s position on the Kyoto Protocol first hand,” referring to the controversial global warming treaty recently rejected by the United States.

“Chirac isn’t even back from Germany yet!” exclaimed a dumfounded Tom Daschle, United States Senate Majority Leader (D-South Dakota), who is among many who are skeptical of Bush’s mysterious trip to the Mediterranean Seaport. Lending credence to the skepticism is a report coming from “Le Monde,” France’s leading newspaper, that Bush has signed a deal with Paris-based Le Seuil to publish a book of poetry.

Bush remained hushed about the poetry deal, preferring instead to rail against his countrymen. “Americans are far too solipsistic,” explained a rather pasty and disheveled Bush to a foreign press corps in Marseilles, as he sniffed a glass of freshly poured Merlot. “How else can we speak of their dauntless individualism?” Bush then challenged the reporters to name “a single Yankee scribe on the level of a Sartre, or a Proust!”

With the sudden change of travel plans, aides have postponed the remainder of Bush’s original itinerary indefinitely. On Wednesday, Bush was to discuss missile defense with NATO leaders, but opted instead to attend the theatre. He then snubbed the European Union, which had gathered for a pivotal summit, when he refused to break away from “a rather cogent disquisition“ in a Parisian coffee house, although he did send the EU his “warmest regards.”

Bush was originally met in Europe by hordes of angry protestors, who criticized the President on issues from global warming to capital punishment. Since his arrival in Marseilles, however, the public’s tone has changed considerably. “He has such a monumental intellect,” touted Cherie Turin, a Parisian artist who dined with the President last evening at Maxim’s de Paris. “He’s changed my whole perspective on killing retarded inmates.”