“Academy to Give Lifetime Achievement Award to Sam Schmidt”

Beverly Hills – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has announced that it has selected Sam Schmidt as next year’s recipient of The Lifetime Achievement Award, to be presented at the Academy Awards in February.

“We’re honestly a little embarrassed this didn’t come sooner,” admitted Academy Executive Director Bruce Davis. “After all this man has accomplished, we quite frankly feel a little silly.” Unbeknownst to many in the industry, the 32 year-old Schmidt has produced over 200 movies, many of them Academy Award winners, and is friend to some of the biggest players in Hollywood.

Ironically, the decision to award Schmidt may never have come at all, if it weren’t for a chance meeting between Schmidt and Academy Publicity Coordinator Leslie Unger. “I was hanging out The Martini Lounge Saturday night, and he just approached me at the bar,” recalled a still dumfounded Unger. “I didn’t realize who he was, until he told me he produced ‘Pearl Harbor.’”

As the night wore on, Schmidt’s credits piled up: “Gladiator,” “A Few Good Men,” “Schindler’s List,” “Die Hard,” and even “Blade Runner,” a film he would have had to produce at the age of fourteen. Upon further investigation, the Academy later discovered numerous other women who corroborated similar accomplishments. The list of crowning achievements became so voluminous that the Academy could no longer ignore this monstrosity of filmmaking. The Announcement came just hours later.

The Schmidt discovery is not without its share of controversy, however. The IRS has launched a full-scale investigation into numerous charities to determine the whereabouts of millions in missing contributions Schmidt is said to have given them. Elsewhere, Kim Basinger sits in a jail cell tonight, charged with polyandry. It seems her two-year marriage to Schmidt in the mid-nineties coincided her marriage to actor Alec Baldwin.

As a testament to his humility, Schmidt still drives the same 1978 Buick Regal his dad bought him in high school. And despite the fact that he must have millions from all his films, Schmidt is satisfied sharing a North Hollywood studio with his roommate of six years, although he is said to own property just about everywhere but Los Angeles.

Schmidt did not make himself immediately available for comment, and is said to be “meeting with investors” on his next project, entitled “Buying Groceries.”