“Inspired by Infomercial, Bush Scraps Social Security”

Tampa – Speaking to senior citizens at the Autumn Assisted Living Center in Tampa, President George W. Bush unveiled his new plan to scrap Social Security in favor of Don Lapre’s “Making Money” Program.

“I’ve spent the last six months worrying myself to death over whether we were going to have enough money for retiring Americans,” revealed an austere Bush, who, unable to sleep at night over the dilemma, found himself entranced in a Don Lapre late-night infomercial. “And then it hit me. Why wait for entitlement checks when you can make a fortune, just by placing classified ads in newspapers all over the country!”

Bush went on to explain the program, by which the nation’s 35 million senior citizens will market a host of products and services, all contained within Don Lapre’s “Making Money Package,” through the vehicle of newspaper classified ads. “And all for the low, low price of $39.95!” Bush said he pursued a special summit with Lapre before making the announcement, but that Lapre was unable to return from the exotic island featured in his infomercials.

Among Bush’s critics was Dick Parsons, co-Chairman of the recently formed Social Security Commission, which was to explore the possibility of investing payroll taxes in the stock market. “They’ll never make any money with that!” warned a stern Parsons. “They’ll never make anything of themselves!” Arizona Senator John McCain, who battled Bush over Social Security in the Republican Primaries, further counseled the nation’s elderly. “Maybe you ought to start thinking about trade school.”

“Not so fast!” shouted magazine magnate and former presidential hopeful Steve Forbes, who made his fortune using Lapre’s method. “I drove a rig for eighteen years, barely keeping my head above water. Then, with the help of Don Lapre, I started placing classified ads in magazines everywhere. Now, I own my own magazine!”

Lapre, who is now a widely recognized financial guru, conceived the “Making Money” strategy several years ago, when a dating service he had started threw him into bankruptcy, costing him everything, even his truck. Forced to sleep on the floor of his one-room apartment, Lapre brilliantly discovered that one could sell products and services by placing classified ads in newspapers, and could make even greater money by selling that elite knowledge to others. “It’s staggering,” admitted New York Times Managing Editor Bill Keller. “Before Lapre, all we ever did with classified ads is pass along raunchy notes and chainletters. The man’s a visionary.”