“Stock Market Surges On ‘Scheckbaum Effect’”

New York – The Dow Jones Industrial Average soared in early morning trading on news that Rory Scheckbaum was on the verge of cashing out his unemployment check to invest in the stock market.

Scheckbaum, who has become the single leading counter-indicator of market activity in the world, told friends and associates of his decision approximately one hour before the market opened.

“Yeah, I’m gonna roll over to (Dreyfus Brokerage Services) about noon, and pop a few hun in,” Scheckbaum told friend and longtime counter-Scheckbaum strategist, Billy Smits. “I’ll be back in action by two.”

News of Scheckbaum’s intentions reverberated quickly on Wall Street, as stockholders, in a desperate effort to prevent Scheckbaum from profiting in the stock market, drove up a breadth of company stocks at a breakneck pace, all but preventing Scheckbaum from finding good value.

“He’ll still get back in,” predicted Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve. “He’ll buy in at a ridiculous price, then somebody will come out with a bunch of downgrades or something, and the market will plummet.” When asked how catastrophic an effect Scheckbaum’s actions could have, Greenspan was rather understated. “Nothing to worry about. His stocks will crash, and he’ll get a margin call. He’ll be out by Tuesday, and stocks will skyrocket again. Come on. It’s the Scheckbaum Effect.”

The “Scheckbaum Effect” of which Mr. Greenspan spoke is a widely held principle of market activity, which has numerous corollaries. It states that a stock will run up precipitously upon Scheckbaum’s intention to purchase it, or if financial limitations prevent him from purchasing it. That same stock will spiral uncontrollably downwards upon Scheckbaum’s actual purchase of it, only to rise dramatically once again upon his liquidation.

Stuart Freeman, analyst for A.G. Edwards, recommends that investors keep a close eye on the calendar. “The 1st and 15th of each month are key. That’s when Scheckbaum gets his unemployment checks. But sometimes it’s unexpected, like when his Mom sends him cash to buy groceries. That’s when he can really hurt you.”

Scheckbaum, 29, first entered the stock market as a sophomore at Colgate University. Since then, Scheckbaum has entered and exited the market an estimated 850 times. During the greatest bull market in U.S. history, which ended the middle of last year, Scheckbaum never made a dime. “Thank God for student loans,” exclaimed Scheckman, now a 7th year graduate student at UCLA. “I don’t know how I would’ve paid rent.”

The New York Stock Exchange closed at 12,152, up almost 2,000 points on the day. It was the second highest increase in history, behind a 2400 point run on February 14th, when Scheckbaum got stuck in a traffic jam, and was unable to get to a phone to call his broker.